How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
