I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
