The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
