By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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