Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
