I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So many bounce houses so little time
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
