my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
