Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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