I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
