i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
