I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
then he tried to convert me to islam
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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