Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
