he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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