Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
