I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
