my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
