We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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