My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
