1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
