i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
