I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
