Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
