Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
