I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
