no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
