and my herpes radar will keep us safe
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
