I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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