I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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