Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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