if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
