My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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