Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
