so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
