$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
