i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
