new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
