does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
