Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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