just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
