I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
