I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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