You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
