i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
