I'm eating all of the evidence.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
