Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
