I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
