That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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