Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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