her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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