yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
